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Defending the Indefensible: Richard Madeley

Posted on by sam





Richard Madeley. The man, the legend. The man who has been arrested on two separate occasions for ‘forgetting’ to pay for his items at Tesco. The man who described himself as the the ‘Millennium Guru’ and had his own ‘Millennium cupboard’ where he stored non perishable items in readiness for the Y2K bug that would devastate the world on the 1st of January, 2000. The man who was once wrestled to the ground live on TV by none other than Shakin’ Stevens (Look on YouTube, it’s true).  It’s impossible not to associate Madeley with Alan Partridge but whereas Partridge only comes to life whenever Steve Coogan decides to unleash him, Madeley is Madeley 24/7.

I’ve been collecting these quotes of Madeley for a fair while and was initially going to release them after his inevitable death. Then I figured that though he has near 30 years on me, his hair is much thicker than mine so it’s probable I will die before him and my findings would never see the light of day. So, here are my personal favourite Richard Madeley quotes. They are pretty much in order though my opinions do change day by day. I’m sure you will have your own favourites after reading the list.  I was going intersperse these quotes with comments of my own but I simply can’t compete with Madeley. He deserves uninterrupted attention.

Over to you Rich…..

40.Talking to Ricky Gervais about Chris Rock

“We had him on last week. Complete Prat”


39.When interviewing Keira Knightly

“Can we get some make up please, get Keira looking like a crack whore, she’d make a good crack whore”


38.After a man breaks down crying after meeting the paramedics who saved his life in a motorbike accident 

“Stop crying! This is supposed to make you happy! Anyway after the break, the biggest dog in the UK. And he really is big. Don’t miss it” 


37.“There’s not many better things than seeing an older woman skipping”


36.To Opera singer Russell Watson and Faye Tozer from Steps

“I always thought both of your music was a bit crap but this is quite good”


35.After being told by Kamikaze survivors that they didn’t want to watch clips of the VE celebrations because they had lost several crew members the day before VE.

“Well we’ve got a clip so we’ll run it anyway”


34..In reply to John Fashanu saying his nightmares were so bad, he often woke up with his bed saturated

 ”With sweat?”


33.After giving out the phone-in competition number

“A numerically satisfying number there.”


32.After Stephen Hawkings replied ’no’ to his question of whether he believed in a God or not

“ (Distraught) I was hoping for a yes there”


31.To a caller

“I understand you have a little lad of 12. Is it a boy or a girl?”


30.After Ricky Gervais points out the cameraman is doing the ‘wanker sign’ behind Madeleys back

“He’s been doing it most of the week (sighs). He doesn’t realize that I can see him doing it in the reflection from the other camera’s Auto-cue…I don’t know why he’s still working here, really.


29.”Women lie about sex. It doesn’t matter how many partners she’s said she’s had before you. She’s lying”


28..Talking to a child who has spinal injuries meaning he had to wear a huge neck and head brace

“Hey you look just like Buzz Lightyear”


27.“The one characteristic I don’t think I have any shreds of is suicidal tendencies”


26.To Jade Goody

“You’re quite sharp. It’s just in the pure sense of the word that you’re ignorant”


25.“Remember when you had thrush Judy? You had a terrible time of it”


24.To someone with an eating disorder

“When you were younger did you have a brother or sister who used to steal food off you, you know like dogs do and that’s why you wolf it down?”


23.To Eddie Grant

“I hope when I’m reincarnated I come back black because you age better”


22.When interviewing Primordial Dwarves

“Do you find that people patronize you? That means that they talk down to you”

21.When Interviewing Frank Sinatra’s daughter

“It’s obvious you loved your father, but do you think you were actually in love with him?”

20.When Interviewing Eddie Jordan

 ”you’re looking good.  You were born in 1948, Judy you were born in 1948…” 


19. The first question to man giving his first TV appearance after being wrongly imprisoned for years
“So, did you do it?”


18.To the comedians Punt and Dennis
 ”You two have been together for 24 years, just like me and Judy! Although me and Judy were only having an affair in the beginning, weren’t we Jude? Is that the same for you two, did you just start off as an affair too?”


17.After Judy misjudged someone’s age

“Ha ha, she failed maths. She did, she did!”


16.When Judy was complaining about her dislike of Squid being prepared

“Your point’s not valid Finnegan”


15..Talking about how he doesn’t like anyone interfering with his cooking

“No I am bad. I’m like Hitler in the kitchen”


14.When interviewing an actor who was currently playing a role as  a bi-sexual

“would YOU prefer to have sex with, me or Judy?”


13.After Judy said that she’d like to have become a Dr if she wasn’t a TV presenter

“No, you would have ended up killing everybody”


12.To singer Sophie Ellis Bextor

“Where did you get your face?”


11.“So he suffers for us. He bears our pain in the most public way possible. He serves a timeless human need, one that goes back long before the time of Christ. Perhaps this has always been PAUL GASCOIGNE’S destiny”

(Capital letters my own doing. Felt it needed to be highlighted that he is indeed talking about the footballer here)


To a teenager suffering from anorexia

“5 stone! That’s concentration camp thin that is”


9.(To Judy) Do you remember that soup I made last week? Absolutely horrible. Had to throw it in the garden”


8.To one of the Birmingham 6 

‘What do you notice most that has changed during your 18 years in jail? 

Cars have five gears now, for example.”


7.“I’ve never met a single women who’s happy with the way she looks, except Jordan, although I’ve never met her”


6.To the Actor Mark Williams

 ”You’ve lost some weight, haven’t you? Why’s that? You’re not ill are you?”


5.To Charlotte Church

 ”OK, imagine I’m someone from  a record company with a ponytail… (Begins shouting)…. I OWN you, Church!”


4.When interviewing someone who had an obsessive crush on a celebrity

“So, Jane, when did you first realise that you were quite clearly mad?”


3.”When me and Judy were trying to conceive. I used to douse my balls in icy water before intercourse”


2. Conversation with Skins star Nicholas Hoult 

Richard: “How old are you now? 18?”
Nicholas: “No I’m 17″
Richard: “Really, I thought you were 18″
Nicholas: “Nope”
Richard: “But you’re nearly 18 though, aren’t you?”
Nicholas: “Actually I’ve just turned 17″
Richard: “Well I suppose I’ll have to take your word for it”

1.When talking to Bill Clinton about his affair with Monica Lewinsky

“I know what it’s like to be wronged by the press. I was once accused of shoplifting. Unlike you though, I knew I was innocent”.

Written By Jim Haginson

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  • http://about.me/mjsideas Martin Schofield

    A blog title that was an instant winner – and Richard, he didn’t disappoint. Brilliant quotes!

  • Rich

    That’s just amazing. Out-Partridges Partridge.

  • Chimpezium

    There was another time where he described a guest as ‘self defecatory’ rather than ‘self deprecating’.

    He is such an arse.


  • Nathan Fulwood

    This needs a Who said it: “Partridge or Madeley” quiz.

  • Chocoholic Girl

    No.3… I can’t breathe…!

  • Jeff

    At least get Stephen Hawking’s name right. An ironically Madeley-esque mistake…

  • Alex Walsh

    Really? He really said all of these? It’s not that I don’t want to believe, honestly it isn’t and they do sounds plausible but……………….really?

  • Mel

    I remember once when he was speaking about Kylie having botox and said ‘she’s got a bit too oriental looking’

  • LQ

    Laughed at pretty much all of those.

  • http://www.morningstarr.co.uk/forum/natter/50711-40-top-quotes-richard-madeley.html#post489632 40 top quotes from Richard Madeley

    [...] top quotes from Richard Madeley Defending the Indefensible: Richard Madeley | | Happy Fingers ProductionsHappy Fingers Productions Reply With Quote + Reply to [...]

  • John Bernard

    Thanks to who ever you are for compiling those pearls of shit, I am forever in your debt. Job well done your time was not wasted

  • Jay Allard

    Best thing I’ve read in yonks. Top marks.

  • Howie Martinez


  • P

    Surely they wouldn’t be this funny if they were made up

  • David X Brunt

    “So are you telling me Elephants are NOT born evil?”

  • Flook

    When Evans replaced Wogan on Radio 2, I was mortified, I liked him, he made me laugh, my drive into work was never as enjoyable but laziness and the equally annoying alternatives ensured a begrudging tolerance. When I discover that Madeley is sitting in, while Evans is on one of his frequent breaks, the combination of Madeley’s line in cringeworthy, verbal drivel and his truly dreadful taste in music sees me travelling to work in silence hating myself for hoping that Evans hasn’t booked a fortnight off.

  • nickyboy


  • Paul

    My favourite was when they had a famous chef in to do a cookery demonstration. The chef gave Richard some eggs to crack into a bowl, and Richard, being the plonker he is, cracked one on the chef’s head – and of course he did it too hard, the egg broke completely and poured all down the poor man’s face – who had to carry on his demonstration as if nothing had happened – whilst wiping yoke out of his eyes. Judy was horrified.

  • steve77

    I remember when he was introducing an interview with a wren from the navy who was on to talk about how an affair while on duty resulted in the loss of her job. He said – Well most of you will remember on Jurassic Park we were told that ‘life’ finds a way, well in the case of my next guest and her experience in the navy ‘sex’ found a way!

  • Supadave

    Brilliant read. I remember when he dressed up as Ali G on this morning and when Judy went made at him he just replied “is it because I is black”

  • Blow jogggs

    Stephen HAWKING!!!
    Sorry, pet peeve.

  • Jonny

    Ironically, nor could he

  • http://pdbrazill.blogspot.com/ Paul D Brazill


  • Anonymous

    Beautiful. I never knew. Thank you so much :)

  • Spicerack

    Once in a while Radio 2 replaces Chris Evans with Madeley, and it’s worth tuning in for. He really is a hugely entertaining bell end.

  • Dolly

    I recall one where he was interviewing a lady whoae husband had gone out for a pint of milk but never returned. Her little boy ran off from the sofa mid interview and Richard said “oh, like father like son”.

  • Anonymous

    Although, ‘self defecatory’ is absolute genius

  • Anonymous

    I used to see Richard in the local Waitrose when I lived at Temple Fortune, and was often tempted to shout out, “Put it back, Richard!” And I should have. [Actually, I just realised that this non-story is exactly like one of Alan Partridge's phone-in callers' non-stories... so I'll post it and not delete it.]

  • Steve McCheesearse

    Who cares. It’s pretty obvious who is meant.

  • Anonymous

    This is fantastic. Madeley really is shameless.

  • Anne

    I seem to remember a guest on This Morning whose husband had driven off one day and disappeared without a trace, never to be seen or heard of again, while she was pregnant. She was on the show with their little boy, who was a toddler. At one point the boy wandered off and Richard said to the woman “look at him running off there, he takes after his father!”

  • LittleS

    He once interviewed a man who had breast cancer. The poor bloke was obviously trying to do his bit for awareness. Anyway, Madeley goes, “When the doctor told you you had breast cancer, did you say, ‘Hang on. I can’t have breast cancer. I’m a man. I don’t have breasts.’ “

  • Brian McC.

    Great list.
    I’ve got a vague memory of him trying to get OJ Simpson to admit his guilt in the double murder case. It was not long after the trial and may have been Simpson’s first UK interview.

  • AndyB13

    On a feature about babies sleeping and the learning process which goes on, Madeley said “I reckon one day they’ll be able to film a baby’s dream – and it will probably be a smash hit.”. Not only has he made an outlandish statement, he’s reviewed the future film!

  • Anonymous

    I think the nadir of Madeley’s broadcasting career was probably when James Bulger was murdered. This Morning was covering the funeral live and on the previous show- which was a Friday with the funeral being the following Monday- Madeley didn’t miss an opportunity to remind viewers that not only were they covering the funeral live, but that it was exclusive to This Morning.

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen such shameful exploitation of a tragic event on television in my entire life. Any positive feeling I may have ever had towards Richard Madeley vanished at that moment.

  • Philpswillow

    I can’t abide the man, but I guess he’s useful for his unfailing crass behaviour! These were genius

  • kingmonkey25
  • Carl Draper

    THese are superb! Crying with laughter XD

  • Chris Abrams

    This is truly the funniest page on the internet.

  • Stephen William Hawking

    Stephen William Hawking. Not Hawkings. Always check your facts before you correct people on the internet, where those facts are so easily verified!

  • Alan

    This isn’t nearly as good as some of the others but in his intro to a Derren Brown interview, he said he’d spoken to him several times before in other interviews and then his opening question was: “tell us how you got started. I know you’ve told us before but I’ve forgotten”.

  • grandbabies

    Now I know why i’ve never liked him, pity he didn’t go ahead with no. 27

  • amy

    Once a woman whose husband had disappeared out of the blue was on This Morning. Her toddler ran across the set and Richard said ‘running away like your dad there! ‘

  • amy

    (I’ve just realised someone else posted the ‘disappeared dad’ story! I’m so glad someone else remembers it! It was about 15 years ago)

  • James Moran

    Rarely does a work of human endeavour, conceived in love and crafted through diligence, deserve the universal respect of the ages. Who amongst us can name a work of art loved by all, at all times? Yet the composer of this list has reached out with their hand and brushed at the face of God.

  • http://www.beakupcrafts.co.uk Beak Up Crafts

    Haha this is brillaint. Madeley is truly awful. So much pure gold in this post. Top work!

  • Steve

    Oliver Reed put him in his place :)

  • Ollie Bostock

    https://vimeo.com/47295010 This video was made by Richards biggest fan.

  • RupesNotSupes

    For the first time in my life I truly wished I had watched more daytime television.

  • Gary S. Wilkinson

    Yeah, that one really sticks in the mind. The wildlife expert’s face on being asked that as the first question on an interview about rogue elephants was amazing.

  • Gary S. Wilkinson

    He usually said something utterly bonkers nearly every day when Richard and Judy was on

  • Gary S. Wilkinson

    I’m sure I remember that interview ended with ‘so, did you do it?’ and then immediately with ‘Oh sorry we’ve not any more time’ to an astonished OJ

  • stevee23

    a real shame..this most high quality of Dick isnt on the basic telly
    any more.. a peerless idiot given carte blanch on live national tv
    is a rare rare thing indeed.

  • StevenageSteve

    This is priceless! Thank you! What would make it utterly perfect would be a clip of each one. Oh bliss, joy…

  • Alastair Cox

    Ah Richard. He used to live in my village of Aberford in Yorkshire. Before he divorced and then married Judie. He was a presenter on Yorkshire TV. One of our challenges at junior school was to write to someone famous and someone in the class wrote to Richard an enclosed a SAE. The response came back but was hand delivered with the stamp steamed off. It’s important not to clog up the Royal Mail when responding to letter from Children.

  • peatea

    Well done to the compiler , absolute pearls of wisdom !

  • 8089

    The guy’s a f*ckIng liability. Used to make me cringe when he was on This Morning joining in conversations about women’s sexual issues, and referring to Judy’s f*nny problems. Also remember him on TFI Friday with a bottle of beer, trying to ‘get with the kids’ and look cool, whilst Judy was so petrified she was shaking and could hardly talk!

    Well done for compilng this. I’m sure the list will go on and on in the posts!

  • Elliot Hampsey

    This has left me howling with tears streaming down my face. thank you to the author for the most entertaining 10 minutes in a very long time.

  • Sapna Pieroux

    OMG My sales manager once described a new colleague as ‘self-defecating’ – I seriously thought it was just her.

    Great list – laughing all the way through the comments too!

  • frog march

    Haven’t laughed so much in ages. What an idiot, and odious too…In an interview with Melvyn Bragg, RM asked him ‘how did you feel after your first wife chucked herself out the window?’ the camera panned to Judy looking horrified.

  • Marianne Bojan

    Other great RM quotes are:

    To mindreader Derren Brown: ‘Can we have a wooden stake, some petroleum and a rope? Because we are burning you at the end of the show!’.

    Greeting a young leukaemia sufferer: ‘Hello baldy!’

    To actress Claire Goose: ‘Weren’t you once a storytelling raccoon in a theme park? What sort of
    stories did you have to tell as a raccoon? Did you have a special
    raccoon voice?’

    Interviewing a young Iraqi woman about her time spent in Saddam
    Hussein’s palace as a child. She speaks at some length about how she is
    glad that Saddam has been captured and that justice will be done but
    that she doesn’t advocate the death penalty because she believes it goes
    against Islamic doctrine. Richard concludes the interview with the
    words: “Don’t worry love, he’ll be swinging at the end of a rope soon!”

  • Jonathan Read

    I understand Juldy is a regular with the bottle. Racking my brains


    Oh god that fair cheered me up

  • Holly Murray

    He has no filter in that head.. it all just comes out. Good news though, I was lucky enough to be watching This Morning when they had a huge grisly bear in the studio and the dear discerning creature went for him :)

  • Mr Neddy

    “Is it ‘cos I is black?” ????

  • Gareth Stone
  • jet199

    I remember on their channel 4 show they had an expert come on to talk about human evolution and half way through the interview Richard asked “so we’re more evolved than people in Africa?” Cue the expert having to try to explain how evolution works in 30 seconds and failing.

    I know people find Richard entertaining but I just worry for poor Judy’s mental health (and liver).

  • skybluemama

    My favourite was when he interviewed the surfer girl who had had her arm bitten off by a shark.
    y: So did the shark bite your arm clean off or was it more…(bares teeth and wags head like dog with a bone.)

  • James Eyre

    I remember seeing Madeley do a piece on The One Show. He was profound on the fundamental importance of forgiveness in families. I believe him to be a wise man who we should cherish. It is all too easy simply to carp from the sidelines.

  • Spanner1960

    He can be a bit crass sometimes, but equally, I like a guy who speaks his mind.
    For instance, Chris Rock *is* a complete prat.

  • Flash Roxx Sawyer

    How could you miss this!?

    Richard “I’ve gotta say John Leslie likes rough sex, would that be a fair comment about your love making?”

    Jon Leslie “no, I don’t even know what rough sex is Richard”

    Richard “well very physical sex”

    Jon “no”

    Richard “forceful sex”

    Jon “no”

    Richard “that’s not your passion?”

    Jon “no!”

  • baldmosher


  • Tina Webley

    He interviewed the parents of a child with prosthetic limbs and kept saying “Stumps” even though the parents asked him not to.

  • Alex Hoskins

    That wasn’t Madeley that was Finnegan.

    It was while they were interviewing Hugh Grant in the early to mid 90s at the very peak of his Four Weddings self-affacing fop persona. He put himself down very charmingly for the umpteenth time and Finnegan giggled and said “Ohhhh, you’re SO self-defecating!”, Madeley’s face was a picture.

    I remember it like it was NOW…

  • Danielle

    I was on a phone in on this morning about depression. Richards advice to me- when I was suffering from severe depression was “Have a baby!”. What a genius piece of advice- I didn’t follow it.

  • Peter Handy

    Er yes that is in the list you didn’t read, lol